Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Terminator: Genisys (2015)

How bad do the machines suck at killing Connors?



So here we have another film that is gonna whip all them fanboys and casual haters into a frenzy. People are gunna tell you its crap... without even watching it. Tell you Arnold should freaking retire... And! Annnnnnnnnnnnnd! They are gunna to say this... and this next one here... oh sweet hell... does it fire ol' Boonsweet up.

They are gunna say: The original is so much better. Always will.

Well, you punk ass haters aka Medi-ogres aka "Meh"-heads. Which original would you be referring to? The original 1984 film? Or the widely accepted to be better, 1992 sequel. Cause if you are telling me that the ORIGINAL sequel is the superior movie... well... you're already half way to wonderland alice.

There. Opening rant done. And really, I can't be mad because I just basked in robot destruction for two hours!

Your story goes... (I refuse to explain anything before this film here) In a last ditch effort in the future, as the machines have finally fallen to the humans, they send a Terminator back in time to kill Sarah Connor - the Mother of the human's resistance leader. The humans, never one to shy away from tampering with time, send a soldier back to protect her. Only when he shows up he finds out that the time lines are @$#%&! and she has a pet/protector/machineDad Arnold "T-800" Schwarzenegger. From there its time hoping and clip emptying action.

Still. Da. Man.
Confession. I love all the other Terminator films. Yes some are better than others... and yes I don't think anyone can Argue the awesomeness of Part 2 aka Judgement Day... however even a less than stellar Terminator film is still what... 8 levels above the next best action Sci-fi flick? I think so yes. I was also, admittedly, in the minority in loving the last film. So if you wanna just walk away from your computer, hands raised in rage... and never read another Chuck Boonsweet blog. I understand. I think you suck. But I understand.

Kidding. Love Bitches.

Ok before I get into what I enjoyed about this film I do want to touch on a few of the drawbacks. First, and I hate to say this, but Alan Taylor, the director, drops the ball here a few times. One scene in particular is shot underground, and feels awkward and very poorly lit. Yes I am complaining about lighting, but ask ya self... how bad does that lighting have to be for Chuck freaking Boonsweet to complain about it? Also the camera has a tendency to shift extremely fast... or find objects shifting across it. during the large action set pieces. Took me out of it a bit. Think the original Transformers and trying to figure out which robot was winning a fight. And yes. If you really want to pull about a 150 million dollar film involving time travel and an alternate future by pointing to timeline inconsistencies... well... go ahead because they are here.

You know... you're right, this is not my bus.
But really, should it matter? It is an alternate timeline... Alternate.... as in not the same... so the timeline is involving as they continue to move forward. There. So all those inconsistencies are what? Right, the even flow of a newly developing timeline and future... Boom! You're welcome.

So to the awesome. Arnold rocks. The man is almost 70 and is wearing leather and mean muggin' CGI future assassins... F Yes! It is impossible to say that more Arnold is ever a bad thing in a terminator film, and he is absolutely living it up here... seemingly enjoying the heck outta returning to his Iconic role.

Emilia Clarke is one sexy and tough Sarah Connor, and I really liked her in the role. Jai Courtney as the new Reece is adequate. I won't say amazing, but he fills his role nicely. I mean really... this is Arnolds movie everyone else is just along for the ride. That said I liked everyone... the Psychiatrist returning from the first 3 films was a great touch. A little consistency is nice on occasion.

The script, something I as a writer, bring up often, is pretty damn fun. It goes for broke and why not for everyone involved this was the last terminator. Don't let reports fool you, this is a wrap up for the franchise. Could we see more? Sure. With what looks to be a 300-320 million worldwide haul on a 144 million budget... could happen. But if it doesn't. Here we go. All wrapped up in a nice little cyberdine bow.

The action seems (when not suffering from the aforementioned camera crap) really are fun. Guns emptying, robots clashing, grenades exploding... and Arnold with face skin missing. Yup. All requirements met.

This is one of those films that gets held under a microscope that it never warranted... this is a movie about time travelling robots. I don't think we need are brains treating it like a Hawking's presentation.

Man. Seriously. I am on point right now.

One thing, having been really excited to see Matt Smith have a role in this film... was pretty sad to see just how little he is used here. I mean not even one or two more scenes for all the Doc Who fans out there? For same big studio - for shame.

Movie scale 3.5 out of 5 stars
Action Movie scale 3.5 out of 5 stars

ONE LINE REVIEW: Grab your nachos, nibs, soft drink, and prepare to be terminated!

Digging up the Marrow (2014)

TO THE FREAKING BONE!



Let it be known to all you young, independent filmmakers... looking for someone to inspire and emulate, not sure there's too many doing it better out there right now than ADAM GREEN. First he threw down Hatchet 1+2, and the cult following worthy - Frozen (which this here self proclaimed greatest critic of all time loved)... somewhere along the line he drops a lovely piece of genre Television Holliston which then gains a rabid fan base... I wouldn't say I'm one of the rabid... But I have watched... and I have giggled. So needless to say, I keep my eye our for new projects he is attached too. Granted with Digging up the Marrow I took my time getting around to it... but like the tortoise... I gets it done.

Before I get too far ahead of myself... let's chat on plot. Digging up the Marrow is about Adam Green, as himself, and his merry band of producers and filming buddies (all as themselves) that decide to investigate a man claiming to have evidence of "Real" Monsters. Adam wanting to believe monsters could be real talks his friend into setting it up as a documentary... the further they go down the rabbit hole with the ishe/isnthe crazy William Dekker (played by the epically epic legend of the genre himself - Ray Wise) Adam and crew begin to realize there could be much more going on than they thought. Perhaps the answer to the greatest question ever asked: "ARE MONSTERS REAL?"

First. This is obviously a love letter to Clive Barker's NIGHTBREED. And you know, that is all right with me. Mostly because this is handled as an homage and not a rip off. William Dekker? And the main Bad guy in Nightbreed is Dr. Decker. Co-incidence? Me thinks not. This film is a slow burn folks. If you are looking for the non stop blood and carnage of say Mr. Green's Hatchet films, well you will be sadly disappointed. This is really about the journey to the answer... and the last 15 minutes of this film are pure 80s practical gold. No CGI, just great old fashion puppeteering and makeup. I heart this.

After pirates of the Caribbean it was all down hell for Ol' Squid Face
One thing I really want to say here... I knew Adam Green could direct, and dabble in the acting, what I didn't know he could do was craft a film quite like this. A film that revels in its characters and simpleness. This is not a big budget flick, this is a small budget, hand held camera film that you will actually believe and enjoy as just that. Having his friends and family play themselves was a great stroke (sprinkling in some Genre favourites in planned, or improved scenes, great as well).

I was invested in this film right from the beginning for a very simple reason... Adam is a likeable shit dammit. I especially liked how at one point his film making ego takes over and he's pissed to find out that Dekker approached other filmmakers first. Much more angry at this slight than the possibility Dekker is misleading them about monsters. It shows a nice ability to paint himself imperfect, which I think leads to his leading main gravitas... well at least as it works in this here flick. How many times have I (and many other Bloggers) complained about flat... unlikeable, uninteresting, characters? More times than I have wished there was a "Do not like" button on Facebook... and that is saying something.

Stupid Puppy Memes.

The last 15 minutes of this film were so damn good. I was clapping and clinking beers. Not by myself... that would be weird.

Also a great alternative title would have been "Awesome T-shirt man" ... as Adam and his merry band of peers rock some of the sweetest horror and genre friendly tees in the business... Even if a few are self serving :)

(Shout out to www.Fright-rags.com if you haven't scoped this site and you love horror... and Tee-shirts covering your nipples... go now!)

Movie scale 3 out of 5 stars
Horror movie scale 3.5 out of 5 stars

It's not perfect and the opening two acts are a little slow despite the cool factor... Some of the This is really real wink wink segments are rough. And you just have to deal with shake cam.

But I think for the real horror fans, those guys and gals with classic blu-ray releases littering their shelves, you should find warm feelings in ya heart for this one.

ONE LINE REVIEW: Good Ol' Fashioned practical horror for you 80s babies.

Till next Booniacs!

-CBB

Wednesday, July 1, 2015

CHUCK THE CRITICS! - Battleship (2012)

Oh man, here it is, a new, shiny thing... from your fav masterfilmator (is that a word? - is now!) ... This segment is where I find films that the internet at large, and all them shiny and surprisingly well compensated mainstream critics hate, and prove perhaps... No battle, for these films that were crushed and left for dead before the public at large could even give them a chance. No don't get me wrong, some films deserve hate (see my CRAP! segment) but we are a hate first society. Medi-ogres, Meh-heads, and just plain old HATERS. Because hating is just fun. And we like it. Well, you ever been watching a critics youtube playlist and thought to yourself - Man, does this person even like movies? Well, I do. So I will bravely fly into the face of the hate abyss, and try, despite the forces allied against me, to find hope... in the darkness... (Yay! Grab your chips)




So to start things off, why not go big? Which is probably what this film should have been called anyway. BATTLESHIP. Hot on the heels of Transformers the internet world was fuming. You see everyone said Transformers sucks! Its just brain dead CGI assault on the senses. Screw Michael Bay.... Blah blah, and then, well the world ignored them. The world said, screw it we wanna pay out 10$ a ticket and see the hell outta this movie. And the Blog-a-shere said "Wait, you mean they don't care what we say? No, we are important dammit we matter!". Then it happened again, Transformers: Dark Of the Moon. A worse movie, with a horrible title, and despite being hated by all critics (except maybe a select few I never read or saw) it made another billion dollars.

Well, then Hasbro decided they should make a 200 million dollar film based on a board game... and before the film even hit, the internet world said - No this is where we make our stand! 

So lets share the bad. Yes. This film is silly, and stupid, requires some suspension of disbelief... but I mean, really, don't most movies? How does batman get back to Gotham from the desert, and sneak into his city, or survive a nuke ... He's batman. How does Bond magically seduce all women... He's bond. No more logic needed. Sometimes I think we just choose which movies have to work harder... and thats... just not fair...

Seriously. Drink in this here awesome. 
This movie is pure big budget fun. You want your 1950s american Bravado, wrapped in an alien invasion, with a little Liam Neeson sprinkled on top? Hell yes you do. I knew in the first ten minutes I was gunna love this movie. Your by the book story goes... A young attractive bad boy (Taylor Kitsch) gets hauled into the navy after a run in with the law. Of course he just can't shake his bad boy ways... but naturally, he wins the love of the general's (Liam Neeson) Daughter (Super sexy blonde Brooklyn Decker). She sees his possibilities beneath all that crappy attitude and problems with authority. Then in the middle of an Navy exercise, aliens land and attack. Will the young troubled Navy boy shed his troubled ways and save mankind...

The suspense is I'm sure killing you.

What does any of this have to do with the board game? Honestly, should anyone care? NO! Its one thing to defend a comic or a book or an original film given the remake treatment. But this, this is a film based on a freaking board game. Ree-laxxxxx people.

Did I mention this film is also directed by Peter Berg? The man behind The Rundown (another criminally underrated flick), Hancock, Friday Night lights... etc. Really this movie is there to make you do two things... clap, and cheer. And it delivers. There is hardly a slow moment in this film. Do we need plot? NO! There's aliens, and they're dicks. Our soldier boys must defeat them! But here's where this film gets surprising, after basically an hour and 30 minutes of destruction, it develops a heart. In one of the most awe inspiring displays of War hero love (and really, shouldn't these old timers be honoured) a group of WWII heroes has to help the young guns in the final battle.

Gold.

Ladies. Gents. Brooklyn Decker. 

Did I mention Gregory D. Gadson, a real war hero, and amputee, who helps battle the aliens that make it to the ground? Well I did now. You see some of these "Haters" are gunna talk about how its cheese, selling out to the american public, but really... is putting some real war heroes into a classic style B invasion movie such a bad thing. The cast seems to be having a blast here. Revelling in the moment.

If this movie was made on a shoe string budget in 1954. It would be a classic, but drop a couple mill on it in the new millennium... and we gunna hate it into oblivion.

As I said there are moments that are stupid and not explained, but who cares. They even manage to get the old BATTLESHIP game board in this movie. Ya. Can you imagine the stress the screen writer was under for that. Speaking of the screen writer... well writer(s)... they knew what they were writing. Peter Berg knew what he was directing... and Liam Freaking Neeson knew what he was signing up for. FUN

F-U-N.

If you don't laugh and cheer while a giant warship is doing full screen battle with a giant alien spaceship with AC/DC blasting through your stereo... Than I think A little part of you has died. Just a little bit. It's only a matter of time until you will be hating on kids films for being too childish... oh wait that's already happening.

Crazy Haters you. Well not you... you're reading my blog. Which means there's hope! You are a Booniac... one of the few that seeks out better. Loves better. Lives with hope. Or at the very least... enjoys popcorn.

This is not a film to hold to the action standards of THE RAID, or the science fiction amazements of MOON. This is a B movie for the 2000s. And the big sci-fi loving kid inside me, is so OK with that.

Real Heroes. Real Bad ass aliens. (that, that shoulda been the tagline, M-Bay, call me homie)

Movie scale 3 out of 5 stars
Action movie scale 3.5 out of 5 stars

One Line Review: AC/DC blasting, WWII heroes amassin', Alien Blasting, good times. 

#ChucktheCritics
#Battleship

Till next Booniacs!

- Charles Boonsweet


Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Jurassic World (2015)

DYNO-MITE



Ya I went there with that title. And you know what, I'll own up, I've been wanting to use that title for years... But I mean... when oh when would I ever get the chance... Sigh... tears, sadness. And then - Boom! The island of carnivorous dinosauri-ous mayhem reopened... and well... life is good.

So look, before I go balls deep in the Jurassic Jungles of 2015... I wanna go heart to heart with you out there. You fans, you bloggers, and well, all the weirdly shaped punks in-between. There are gunna be people out there that say things like "Nothing will ever beat the first film" ... "That Magic the original inspires just can't quite be duplicated" and blah blah. Look. I get the desire to protect the originals... Lord Knows I swore all kinds of R rated (the R is for Rage) when the crow reboot news dropped... but at some point isn't it okay to think maybe a 12 year old kid in a crowed theatre with his/her 3D glasses on might love the hell out of a giant ass Dino adventure as much as you - the first generation did? We gotta stop being so protective....

I'm gunna say this... I am gunna step up and say it... maybe not in all respects is it a better film that JURASSIC PARK but it does come close, and surprisingly in a more than a few areas, surpasses it.

Your story is... Twenty years later (ignoring the apparent city rampage of 2) the island has been reopened as a huge amusement park... indeed the very dream of the owner of the would be Jurassic Park of the original. So as people are now all "Ho-hum" with dinosaurs the park is creating a super hybrid, a test tube dino to scare up new interest. Chris Pratt stars as Owen, the man who has raised raptors and become all dino-knowledgy. He along with the park co-ordinator Claire (played by the always dashingly hot Bryce Dallas Howard), will have to handle another outbreak of dino-chaos and try to find her missing Nephews (who of course having come to visit due get caught up in the destruction).

So ah... they'll probably just taking a nap right? Ya. Sleepy dinos.
One thing I loved about this sequel was the love of the original. So many clever and subtle nods to the original. Heck they even went and included the park's central building in a major scene. But all kinds of things, the soundtrack creeping in... the Hologram of the Dinosaur with the neck popping thing facing the raptor... The field of Brontosaur that the children drive through... as such to me this sequel felt very organic. It felt like a continuation of the original (assuming you ignore The Lost world, and Jurassic Park 3).

The first film had a lot going for it... not the least of which was the all important - IT WAS THE FIRST. But it was not without it's flaws. This film keeps stride with the original in acting, directing, and score, I think you can argue that the subplot in the original with the stealing of DNA is more enjoyable that the military angle... but that's minor right. And including another set of siblings was a nice call... the romance story here is so obvious as they are so attractive that you know they are gunna end up together but still... Chris Pratt is proving film after film that his charisma has some seriously legs... I'm okay with this. Chris Pratt is the new Harrison Ford.

Boom.

And yes that is me endorsing the news that he may in fact inherit the Indiana Jones hat and whip.

Now to where this film really blows anything before it away... the action. Oh man the action. I went in knowing the effects would be amazing but the director and his team of CGI maestros have really managed to impress here. You will almost want to stand and cheer at some points... In fact if one of the main differences here would be that unlike the original they got for it rather than the slow build... I don't think thats such a bad thing.

Your best attack, is to go for the tongue... Right in the tongue, that'll stop it.
This is a summer movie for the masses. A film designed to make you smile, cheer, jump, and chew popcorn at a dangerous rate.. and it does. The finale is one of the best action scenes of the last few years, period. The effects dazzle. If you are sitting next to someone that says something like "Blah, another film just over stuffed with CGI..." punch them. Right in the face and yell - "ITS 2015 BITCH!" Or something like that. Listen this is the age of computer effects, and I have no problem with that, when they are done right, no problem at all.

Now to one glowing horrible moment that I have no doubt will parodied and mocked for years to come... At one point a giant dinosaur is chasing our attractive heroine to be, and she manages to out run the beast, however quickly, in high heels. The fact that the camera slows down and shows us these heels in all there fashion-runway-nowayshapeorform-outrun-a-dino-in-ness just amplifies the moment.

I can only think that someone somewhere went - Hey, Tim, ya, I was thinking, this movie is pretty awesome right, why, ah, why don't we give something to really bitch about... Ya, or we could just have her out run the thing in heels. Ya I know right, and then slowly pan to the heels to, so we really rub it in. They'll be so busy bitching about the heels no one will question things like what kind of amusement park would let kids pilot a gyro ball that costs millions through a field of multi ton animals... or how no one noticed any of the Indominus Rex's powers in all the years it took to grow to full size... or why exactly its almost as smart as a human... Ya... lets have em focus on the heels. 

Ha. Those guys I tell ya.

Look, as you can guess there are some silly plot points, but really, you just sat through an amazingly fun film that your kids, or the kid in you, loved, and isn't that what film is about? Not being a grumpy adult for 2 plus hours and feeling like you got your $ worth. And you did. U did.

Yes they set the sequel up and considering the film made over half a BILLION! dollars in its first week of release, I'm sure we will see many more trips to the perilous world of the Jurassic.

Movie Scale 3.5 out of 5 stars
Action movie scale 4 out of 5 stars

One line review: A huge and hugely fun return to the island!

-Chuck Boonsweet

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

The Avengers: Age of Ultron (2015)




So what can you say about the Marvel Universe that hasn't already been said? Not too much. It is absolutely jaw dropping what they have accomplished. Sure, they have totally taken liberties with some of the comic story lines and such, but really, did the handful of people that cared about that really equal the millions of new fans it has brought to the universe of Marvel and in turn, to the comic medium... Nope, so I say let em go.

From Iron Man, to Guardians of the Galaxy (hell even that Daredevil show on Netflix rocked) they have brought heroes to life and together... and no showcase bigger than THE AVENGERS! Chris Evans' Captain America, some how managing to make what should have been a cheesy sub par film into a character that is at the heart of Marvel's success... Robert Downey Jr's Iron Man, from the start bringing the universe to life... Chris Hemsworth as Thor... Scarlett as Black Widow... Banner... Hawkeyes... Listen bottom line is no role is not acted with all the serious and fun these films need.

And you all know that, so really, what can ol' Boonsweet bring to the review table...

Well, let's see shall we dear Booniacs...

Avengers: Age of ultron ... Your story goes... The Avengers have been assembling to destroy some Hydra bases... they stumble across a major one that has produced two new threats (super powered twins, Scarlett Witch, and Quicksilver) ... but that doesn't compare to the threat Banner and Stark accidentally create by attempting to combine alien tech with their own ideas of protecting the earth. Enter the extremely entertaining but near inexplicably sarcastic and humorous, Ultron. From there... explosions, questions about what it is to be a hero... fun backstory, and then, uniting to stand against ultimate evil... and the like.

All the tech in the world and you deny me a middle finger... Oh I shake my fist at you sir!
So the good. Hawkeye gets some real screen time here. I think this film works if you look at the first Avengers as Iron Man, Captain America, and the Hulk's story... and then look at this one as Hawkeye, Black Widow's story. What about Thor you ask... do you need more Thor story? No you do not. He's a God, he has a hammer... and his girlfriend is never anywhere to be found. The balance at work here by director Joss Whedon is jaw dropping.

Look there will be Mediocres. Hey Boonsweet what the F is a Mediocre? So glad you asked dear audience. These are the debags that never really hate anything, but are never really impressed (I will attempt to have a better catchier name for these folks by end of review). They are gunna walk out of this film and say things like "It was alright" "I mean it had a few cool scenes" "I liked the first one a little bit more"... Yes there will be many of those. I feel however those folks are suffering from giant-film-itis (man I really am just re-writing Websters here - boom baby!). We've seen it all before. We've seen heroes, we've seen 200 million dollar effects, hell we've seen all these guys in a movie before... But thats the part that should impress...

It still manages to feel new. With the focus shifting to the secondary heroes (meaning those not yet given their own films) and the new Heroes, and villains, it feels like the story is continuing, not lingering. The action scenes are just pure comic gold. Watching Cap America and Thor use hero tag team moves can't help but get a smile or two. Iron Man vs Hulk... delivers. Though the ending is a bit of an expected cop out.

Lastly... and this is the big thing... Guardians of the Galaxy blew people away and obviously marvel is continuing bringing them a little closer to the Universe they have built (already having Thanos involved in both)... but there is a moment in this film... the first in the entire Marvel Universe for me when the big picture hit me. When I could see the lines connecting everything... and my Brain blew up with awesome.

No. No you said it, now you have to pick... who has the better hair? 
Now. To the bad. Some of the plot points are just blown by. Obviously, the need to move the movie along, and fit in certain threads to the aforementioned universe meant some things had to be shortened but damn... I mean Ultron shows up (again the - how and why-  kind of explained though not so much) and then an hour later he's neck deep in world domination. Why is Ultron a snarky little rascal? Well other than the great voice work from Spader I have no idea. Why would a cold calculating machine have one liners and dark humour?

Two. The twins. I actually really enjoyed the Twins involvement with this film, and I think I could have used a little more. But I bought their motivations, though maybe not quite how easily they decide to move past the avengers hate.

Three. The creation of Vision. Very cool, and I know very talented and Made-up Paul Bettany will be back, but we barely get to decide whether we like him or not before he's laser beaming stuff.

A last interesting note, and choosing to move away from the giant destructible cities of America I think they really tapped into "Threat of death" and "Consequence". To everyone that bitches about the amount of destruction in these films... well apparently you didn't grow up watching your fav characters level an entire city each week on Saturday Morning... and heck if you grew up in Japan Goku was destroying entire parts of the earth on a weekly basis. I have no time for that BS, however, if you were concerned there were never consequences - this is the film... sure it has crazy action... but in tying it to a smaller, impoverished, town, they've tried to bring the consequences to the big screen.

And lastly... okay the last lastly I promise, since I do blog in real time. To the Haters and Mediogres (yup its decided I just coined that phrase for all those fence riding Mediocres) who are hating on his Black Widow in this film... listen 50 million people heck 100 million people are gunna see this film... shouldn't it be expected a few thousand are going to horribly misinterpret events? Or see them in a light no one else will get... or heck, just plain go to crazy town... anyone who thinks the Black Widow suffered from Slut like stuff, and woman putting down, will apparently you have no idea what she has done regularly since she came into existence at Marvel. That is all. Stop being ridiculous people and eat your popcorn!

Anyway. More bang for your buck than any other film this year almost guaranteed... Mad Max Fury Road - might have a shot.

Listen let it be known I AM A DC man. And like every other DC fan out there I just keep waiting for DC to step up and start to put Marvel in their place... But I think I have to admit (though if given the right films I will stand beside DC for life)... Marvel really has something here. The direction it is going... ANT-MAN is even starting to stir my interest. I just keep thinking... Honey I shrunk the kids meets Stan Lee.


Movie scale 4 out of 5 stars
Super Hero Movie scale 4 out of 5 stars

Pure fun. Yes. But also heart, and character building... and like I said... a true Jaw Dropping moment.

One line review: Joss Whedon knocks this outta the park, and lot, and into that little cart that sells nachos. 

#Avengers2
#AvengersAgeofUltron

So sayeth the Boonsweet!

Friday, May 1, 2015

Chiller Classics present: The New York Ripper 1982

Welcome my friends to Chiller Classics, where I Charles Bartholomew Boonsweet take you on a trip to the olden, sometimes golden, days of horror.  Hopefully I will introduce you to some fine genre flicks you may not have heard of, either because of how old they are or how obscure, and break down some gory, chill filled, education in Horror History 101. And for those of you who are already well versed in the "good ol' days" of horror, hopefully this will help bring back some nostalgic memories and maybe entice you to see some of these classics again.



Before I get into my full classic horror swagger... (I refuse to at any point short form that word in "Swag" for reasons of my own) I thought I would provide you with an out. If you are a fan of all things horror... well heck that is probably why you are here reading this column in my awesome (though admittedly not as frequent) blog. However, this film here... these film here is only for those that like there films as twisted as heck... like there violence non CGI, the people that still stand to attention when names like "Tom Savini" are mentioned... and most importantly, this film is for those that don't mind their 80s horror a little silly... Ok. Still here. Cool.

So The New York Ripper was made in the midst of the first slasher film boom (most consider between 1980-1984). How this film is not more well known, or even the director's best known I am not sure. All I can surmise is the Donald Duck voice... yes... we'll get to that.

Your story goes a killer is stalking the New York streets (was this shot in new york, I doubt it, but I do not feel like Wiki'ing that up, so you can if you wants to). Armed with a knife and some gritty great camerawork he viciously, carves up unsuspecting beauties.

That's it. Thats your plot. Need more? Why? This is 2015. Ain't no horror films getting oscar nods in 82, and if their were they sure as shit were no where near this flick. Lucio Fulci, infamous for his Zombie films, and early horror work... I believe he is revered to as the "Godfather of Gore". Warranted. His films, House by the Cemetery, The Beyond, City of the Living Dead, and the near legendary Zombi (his Italian rip off/sequel to, Dawn of the dead), all have huge followings. Super bluray releases this side of the atlantic and the other... and there are some classics in there... but nothing, for me anyway, comes close to this here brutal slasher.

To me Italian cinema was about 2 things... excess, and cheap rip offs. Sure there is more to it than that... but during the 70s and especially 80s they saw something successful in the states, it was getting a blood soaked italian version. Here I think Fulci was like... "Hmmm so slashers are big in the states. Look at this friday the 13th, and Bloody Valentine... so they want tons of violence and some sex. So Boobs and Blood... well hell, why don't we give them X rated levels of both. Boom, I am Fulci, GENNNNNNIUUUUS!"

This film is without a doubt in the top 3 for most violent films of all time. Now there are films you could throw at me if you wanna have a hardcore horror throw down, things like Guinea Pig, and such, but those are films just for the sake of violence. This is a real movie, with actors, and plot, and you know... movie stuff... and yet they pack in several of the most violent acts I have ever seen in a horror flick (nipple slice by razor anyone). On top of that they cram pretty much X rated amounts of sex and nudity in this bad boy. I can only imagine how this film played during the 80s when the censors got hold of it... there would basically be the opening credits... a couple conversations, and closing credits.

So yes I loved it.

Fluke might not get the credit he deserves, often his films falling in the "Gore Good" category... but he was a talented director. His eye for atmosphere, and building a horror scene, can not be underestimated. And that... that dear Booniacs... is where we have a problem. This film, despite the gore, and sex, could have actually managed to be quite good. The store is fun, the acting is above par... and with a quality director in the drivers seat... however... (deep breath) someone decided it would be a great idea... to have the killer use a ridiculous "Donald Duck" voice, when calling to terrorize victims and cops...

What?! I mean maybe Fulci was over there in italy watching a disney short and thought... my god this cartoon Duck creature terrifies me, I must use this! Seriously, what the hell?! Who thought this was scary. It turns what could have been an expertly handled decent into sleeze and horror... into something that can only be appreciated as silly fun.

The story gets pointlessly complicated with sick children and role reversals haha, but hell, I could take all that in stride if it was not for that damned duck voice. But hey, maybe thats part of its charm, the reason it is slowly building that following.

Dammit though I still enjoyed it. And when you consider that in many countries this film still remains unreleased or cut... that is saying something in our current uncut loving universe.

If you want to see a film that actually deserved the "Video Nasties" witch hunt of the 80s this is it. Wow was this a blood soaked good time.

But you have been warned... Duck voice... Sigh.

Horror Scale 3.5 out of 5 stars
Movoe scale 3 out of 5 stars (because as artistic evidence of the freedom of the 80s this is must watch, but it should almost be a 2.5 with that damned voice)

One line review: Seriously, seriously F'd up... the F is for Fun. 

Also you might have noticed I have not included my usual levels of photographic humour... well, honestly I try to keep this here blog mostly every one friendly... and it was just too much effort to find a cool scene in this film that was not nudity filled. No joke.

Well.... this concludes my film rant adventures for this here day. Be well. Be summer. Be friendly. Be awesome.

- C. Boonsweet.

Thursday, February 19, 2015

Jupiter Ascending (2015)

A whole lotta exploding things and shirtless Channing...



Yes the Wachowski Brothers (now Brother and Sister)... so Wachowski Siblings made the matrix... but if we are being honest... they haven't had a hit since. Though I think the film CLOUD ATLAS was a wonder bit of filmmaking, still too far out there for the general public to connect with.

Listen before I get into exactly why this movie has failed, and why Hollywood needs to read this review...

You Plot: A average Janitor (who just happens to be the ridiculously hot Mila Kunis) finds out she is the reincarnation of the Queen of the Universe thanks to a bounty hunter (played by the often Shirtless Channing Tatum)... Together they will you know pretend they are not in love, then be in love, then blow a lot of stuff up to eventually be together and save the universe.

Screw it thats all you need so sayeth the Boonsweet!

Note to Hollywood: Throwing 200 million dollars at a movie is a fine idea. But, there are rules. First, you actually need a story, you know a script that is worth 200$ million dollars. 2. If you don't find a script worthy of that money well then you have a bomb. And you have just lost when you factor in the rather large advertising campaign probably close to 150 million dollars. Then you will cry about how no one buys movies, and goes to the movies, and this is why your company loses money. COME ONNNNNNN! I mean seriously.

Carpool lane meet Skyskate lane... (yeah, thats all I got)

This movie is quite honestly just action. And some of it, if not all of it, even the scenes when the Wachowskis clearly rip them selves off (see the scene of a ship flying into the approaching horde and think Matrix Revolutions), is fun to watch. But, that is all there is. The plot is so thin and they move along at such a pace that you can almost here hollywood in the background screaming - MORE ACTION! MORE SHIRT OFF!

I feel bad because I honestly believe the W. Siblings had more in mind here. I actually wanted to see the characters develop. Channing's flying boots are really cool, and make for some amazing 3D action... but two hours of that and eventually you are wondering... Why does no one else have this freaking boots because apparently that and one Star Wars Phantom Menace Jar Jar shield and you are invincible. 

I wanted plot. There I said it. There is a great scene where they come to this farmhouse and the bees begin to follow Mila's character around to which Channing's friend starts into a thing on how bees have been engineered to recognize royalty. Fine. Then they are finally at the finding things out stage... you know how when the heroes have a moment to collect themselves and patch up wounds... the "Fish out of water" character, Mila, asks questions and finds things out.

Apparently I'm half werewolf, but no, we won't get into that... at all, in this movie

Nope. Aliens show up and a battle happens.

Or how about the age old best friend betrays the good guys (but has a reason that will allow him to be good again when it counts)... A guy walks in a room and bad guys show up and he says "Sorry..." then bam! Scene done... and back to the action.

The Dune like subplot about warring factions and power for control of the universe that involves Human Bodies (instead of the Spice) being needed for the immortality of the alien Races that can afford it is a cool idea... but they skip through pretty much everything other than a "A 100 human bodies make up this vile", and then get to more explosions.

Listen the action is cool, but its so non stop that it all just blends together. And All I remember thinking at the end of the movie was... These people are all way prettier than me....

But hey, space, 3D, lots of Boom... fun was had. But my god, 200 million! hahaha This film coulda cost 50 Million.... used model ships for the space battles, horribly cut wire work for the fly boots... and still had Channing Tatums breasts, and my 12 $ and honestly... I probably woulda had more fun. Oh and really I don't have time for the lame... lammmmmmmme.... humour they try to squeeze into this thing to make it FUN. Newsflash its not funny if your characters have had zero time to connect to the audience.

I really, really, hope the Wachowski Brothers... Siblings... are not solely responsible for this, cause if they are... I think they're career is officially no longer of any interest.

Movie scale 2 out of 5 stars
Action scale 2.5 out of 5 stars

Lots of CGI 3D cool, and not much else. Even if you try your best just to eat the popcorn, your brain will still bleed...

- Chuck Boonsweet