Thursday, February 19, 2015

Jupiter Ascending (2015)

A whole lotta exploding things and shirtless Channing...

Yes the Wachowski Brothers (now Brother and Sister)... so Wachowski Siblings made the matrix... but if we are being honest... they haven't had a hit since. Though I think the film CLOUD ATLAS was a wonder bit of filmmaking, still too far out there for the general public to connect with.

Listen before I get into exactly why this movie has failed, and why Hollywood needs to read this review...

You Plot: A average Janitor (who just happens to be the ridiculously hot Mila Kunis) finds out she is the reincarnation of the Queen of the Universe thanks to a bounty hunter (played by the often Shirtless Channing Tatum)... Together they will you know pretend they are not in love, then be in love, then blow a lot of stuff up to eventually be together and save the universe.

Screw it thats all you need so sayeth the Boonsweet!

Note to Hollywood: Throwing 200 million dollars at a movie is a fine idea. But, there are rules. First, you actually need a story, you know a script that is worth 200$ million dollars. 2. If you don't find a script worthy of that money well then you have a bomb. And you have just lost when you factor in the rather large advertising campaign probably close to 150 million dollars. Then you will cry about how no one buys movies, and goes to the movies, and this is why your company loses money. COME ONNNNNNN! I mean seriously.

Carpool lane meet Skyskate lane... (yeah, thats all I got)

This movie is quite honestly just action. And some of it, if not all of it, even the scenes when the Wachowskis clearly rip them selves off (see the scene of a ship flying into the approaching horde and think Matrix Revolutions), is fun to watch. But, that is all there is. The plot is so thin and they move along at such a pace that you can almost here hollywood in the background screaming - MORE ACTION! MORE SHIRT OFF!

I feel bad because I honestly believe the W. Siblings had more in mind here. I actually wanted to see the characters develop. Channing's flying boots are really cool, and make for some amazing 3D action... but two hours of that and eventually you are wondering... Why does no one else have this freaking boots because apparently that and one Star Wars Phantom Menace Jar Jar shield and you are invincible. 

I wanted plot. There I said it. There is a great scene where they come to this farmhouse and the bees begin to follow Mila's character around to which Channing's friend starts into a thing on how bees have been engineered to recognize royalty. Fine. Then they are finally at the finding things out stage... you know how when the heroes have a moment to collect themselves and patch up wounds... the "Fish out of water" character, Mila, asks questions and finds things out.

Apparently I'm half werewolf, but no, we won't get into that... at all, in this movie

Nope. Aliens show up and a battle happens.

Or how about the age old best friend betrays the good guys (but has a reason that will allow him to be good again when it counts)... A guy walks in a room and bad guys show up and he says "Sorry..." then bam! Scene done... and back to the action.

The Dune like subplot about warring factions and power for control of the universe that involves Human Bodies (instead of the Spice) being needed for the immortality of the alien Races that can afford it is a cool idea... but they skip through pretty much everything other than a "A 100 human bodies make up this vile", and then get to more explosions.

Listen the action is cool, but its so non stop that it all just blends together. And All I remember thinking at the end of the movie was... These people are all way prettier than me....

But hey, space, 3D, lots of Boom... fun was had. But my god, 200 million! hahaha This film coulda cost 50 Million.... used model ships for the space battles, horribly cut wire work for the fly boots... and still had Channing Tatums breasts, and my 12 $ and honestly... I probably woulda had more fun. Oh and really I don't have time for the lame... lammmmmmmme.... humour they try to squeeze into this thing to make it FUN. Newsflash its not funny if your characters have had zero time to connect to the audience.

I really, really, hope the Wachowski Brothers... Siblings... are not solely responsible for this, cause if they are... I think they're career is officially no longer of any interest.

Movie scale 2 out of 5 stars
Action scale 2.5 out of 5 stars

Lots of CGI 3D cool, and not much else. Even if you try your best just to eat the popcorn, your brain will still bleed...

- Chuck Boonsweet

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Horns (2014)

Mess with the HORNS, you get the bull... shit.

I want to start with - I read the book. HORNS by Joe Hill. I loved the book. I also need to state that I understand that a movie will need to make changes to allow for better flow, rising, action, all that... I also - also - want to mention that the ending to the book - though cool - was kind of bat shit crazy.

Shout out to my boy #JoeHill living up to his Dad's legacy and then some...

Back to my review. Let's start with the story shall we. A man's lover (and life long meant to be together lover at that!) is murdered and the whole surrounding small town decides he is the piece of Kaka that murdered her. Of course our hero, Ig (the Idareyoutodoubthisskill Daniel Harry-potter Radcliffe), finds the town hate on top of his own pain rather over whelming. Then one night after an epic bender, he wakes up with horns... and people are powerless not to tell him there dirty little secrets and thoughts... Which hey... might just help him track down a killer... if he doesn't get too caught up in his evil little accessories.

Snakeheads... de-licious. 
So to fans of the book first - You are going to love, and then HATE, this film. Yes they make little changes to some of the early building blocks of the story, but hey, nothing to get all up tight about. Hey, and then there we are at the middle of the film. Ig's love interest (shown through the all powerful flashback, Merrin (played by Juno Temple)) is bang on, even the small roles are great. But then... OH BUT THEN... after following two thirds of the book almost to the letter... they just for whatever reason go right off the rails. Changing endings, collisions, character reveals... it just feels so sloppy and forced after what was a great first hour... that, well, I was bummed.

That close to great. As it is, it's just good. And the real die hard book fans, you know the type that hate on the perils of celluloid transfers of the written word... well, this is one they will be latching onto.

That said, I didn't hate it and Daniel R was suck a great Ig I couldn't completely slam any part of the film. And the make up sweeeeeeet. The first half was so bang on to what I wanted as a Fan of the novel that I cannot completely hate on this film - My former Cohort K.K. Bucklesworth, who did watch this with me, and read the book, was not so kind.

Funny you mention "Horny"... 
Now, to you, random fan, who has never read the book, and is just looking for a great little bit of entertainment. Well I think you will find it here. If you like your thrillers weird, and fantastical, and just a little dark and fun... this is it. However, be prepared for a let down in the final act. I mean you have a man battling his demons in a literal sense... can you say epic?! Buuuuuuuut that is not how it plays out.

And you loyal booniacs, I knows you you KNOW i hate a crap ending... but well, there is still enough here to enjoy. Acting. And some great dark humour... though all of that is thanks to the original material, when the script goes solo... things go wrong. And novel reader or not, you'll notice...

Movie scale 2.5 out of 5 stars
thriller scale 3 out of 5 stars (ok maybe a little generous, but dang it my heart... my love... for the book)

I know you all missed me, sorry, so sorry. I could give you many reasons... book I am finishing.... christmas parties... booze... and booze... but really, I just got a little lazy. It happens... please hate me no more than usual...



Chuck B. Happy 2015 Booniacs.

Friday, October 24, 2014

The Town that Dreaded Sundown (2014)

Slashtastic. I invent words when they need inventing.

Ok. I can't wait. Lets get right into this bloody beast. Your story goes... The town the original murders took place in (Texana - on the border of texas and arkansas), and the local of the original 1980s horror flick... are once again plunged into fear and darkness when a killer arises dressed in the mask of the films killer, and taking out people in homage fashion. It will be up to one feisty smart cookie to figure out the mystery if she... can... survive... after... sundown.

Boom! Best slasher of the last few years. Hands down. I said it. I will continue to say it, and if you are a horror/slasher fan and are not saying it - awesomeness revoked. There is GORE, SEX, COOL KILLER (meaning he looks menacing and not silly), and a couple of fun twists.

I mean this film had it all. Now there are sure to be some folks that didn't like the very artsy direction. This is a horror film that pretends it doesn't know it is one. Director Alfonso Gomex-Rejon brings a class of art rarely seen in the genre these days. Would I have expected this from a guy that started out directing episodes of GLEE? Nope. But that is another part of the surprise that was this film.

Even in this shot you can feel the colour coated cool... 
I mean a film based on a 1970s horror flick that few people know and fewer people wanted to see remade... What are the odds?

Well... you don't need odds when you have some really create writing. You are not going to find any oscar winning characters in here. No. But what you will find, a really interesting take on a remake. Use the original film. I mean they actually work the "True Story" angle in while accepting and relishing in the original films existence. This film wants to be a sequel, not a remake. To pull that off with the fun, and blood-letting, they managed here is an accomplishment I can not begin to praise enough.

The acting is up to the script, Addison Timlin in the lead is again proving to things... 1) She is damn (add as many Ms as you wants) fine... and 2) She is a talented young lady. A lovely combination. I hope to see much more of her. She proves her she could be a candidate for a new scream queen... we do need one right?

If I just lay here... Will you lay with me... I like wet dirt. 
The direction... well already covered that... and the GORE. Oh this is glorious. Almost every kill just "GLEEfully" dances across the line. I really enjoyed the story. As someone who enjoyed the original (but hardly thought it was a masterpiece) this film could have easily been its own film, the fact they incorporate the original out of love... just made it a little cooler. Respect matters dammit! Someone tell these kids...

And in this instance by Kids I mean all the young would be horror directors out there stumbling through cliches and horrible twist endings... Hey guys. The killer being dead and not being dead... the last one alive being offed in the final frame before the credits... the last survivor being locked away insane... all of these things are NO LONGER A FREAKING TWIST! In fact they suck the damn life out of 90% of the horror films out there today. Was there a twist ending here? Well kinda. But its more the Whodidit so when you find out who you either got it or you didn't. No biggy.

A real shame this film did not get the push it deserved. The right advertising the public would have rolled out by the thousands for a halloween release... but know please dump another PG-13 watered down horror flick on me (Ouija) please... again. Because every horror fan is you know... 13 and under!!!!!!! ahhhhhhhhh. Hollywood you hurt Ol' Boony's head.

But this... this warmed by horror scarred heart... I cannot explain by love for the final shot. Pure class. Anyone wanting to see how to leave a film ended... but not completely without possibility of a sequel... this is how you do it. You don't need a surprise resurrection in the last 5 seconds.

Movie scale 3.5 out of 5 stars
Horror/slasher scale 4.5 out of 5 stars

-Chuck Boonsweet

John Wick (2014)

Burning the wick at both ends

Remember when action movies had tons of guns. Bad guys you wanted dead, and men of few words that took care of em... with extreme prejudice. I'm talking the glory days of Segal, VanDamme, Chuck (believe in the beard) Norris... The good old days. When a film didn't need a 100 million dollar budget to be successful. Just a lot of ass kicking and cool...


At least for this film... Itsssssssssssssssss BACK!

Ok the story. Super bad ass Killer guy, JOHN WICK gets out the mob world to be with the love of his life. She then dies and leaves him with a puppy. Together he and his new pup set out to try to deal with this new quiet life without his love. Well, then a Mobsters punk kid decides to steal his car and kill his dog... and makes the HUGE mistake of leaving Mister John Wick (Keanu!) alive. SO John sets out to kill the punk in revenge... of course his Mobster Father hires everyone and the kitchen sink to stop his revenge... cold... in its tracks.

Hmmm... Revenge. Dish served cold... cold tracks... whatever... I wanted to make that cooler. Fail!

This movie rocks. No forced cheesy one liners. No CGI loaded action scenes. Just gritty guns to the face, and balls, and kneecaps, and more faces, and chests, and throats, and ... well, its really a lesson in anatomy.

So if i see the same cat twice... I'm all ready in the matrix...?
Listen this is Keanu's flick. Front to back. Sure there are some fun supporting actors here... The insanely sexy and True Detective episode stealing Adrianne Palicki is having a blast as the evil bitch killer. Did I mention sexy? Well she is also pretty dang good at the badassery (heads up to her villain role in Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.). And William Dafoe... Dafoe is Da-man.

Dafoe... Da-man... HA! Still got it! But as I said, this is Keanu's flick. I have no idea if John Wick was written for him but it feels like it. Keanu mutters monotone and then kills ten people, and you cheer. Oh you may be reading that and thinking... no it will defs take more than that to make me cheer... it won't.

There is a certain style here brought to the film that has to do with a couple of other things beside Keanu's swag (thems are some legit! suits though).

1. The direction is fun, and fresh. The film is directed by two former stunt men(David Leitch, Chad Stahelski), the first film by their hand. There is a a love of the action here, a respect for it. Much like an asian film where they allow your human speed eyes to absorb human speed action. Something often lacking in american films. Clean cuts.

2. The script is dripping with machismo cool. They don't have to explain everything to you, you understand. He was a bad bad man. Everyone knows him, and everyone either respects or fears him. It was kind of refreshing for a film to just move along assuming you get it without stopping to explain itself every two minutes.

May... I... dip... my wick. 
Plus. I mean a man deciding to take out half a city over a puppy? Trust me when I say, you will get it. Pure fun. I saw this flick with two chicks (whoa, before anyone thinks I am beeping my horn... just pointing a point and stuff) hardly the usual action lovers... and they had a blast. I mean like I said, the script keeps it bare bones... once you have a reason for him to kill everyone... game on.

The most action I have seen in a mainstream flick in a while. Another nice touch... I recently watched The Equalizer with the man himself Denzel Washington, and while that film was a good time... there was one glaring issue... Denzel was like superman. I mean he whooped everyone with hardly more that a couple bruises. JOHN WICK was a real human. Albeit a very skilled one... but flesh and blood. And he bleeds. And bends, and breaks... and keeps going. Something a lot of these here moving pictures forget... we care more about a guy that is mortal, and human. John McCain anyone. Or remember cheering for VanDamme in Bloodsport? Because you thought there was a chance he could lose... because he was not invincible.

Gets your boys, your girls, and an extra ten for nachos and get ya ass to the theatre. I give an edge to Raid 2 for action movie of 2014, but this is by far the best action film from hollywood in years.

Movie scale 3.5 out of 5 stars
Action scale 4 out of 5 stars

This flick is so WICK-ed. Hahahaha. I could do this all night.

But I have things to do... like .... ok I don't have things to do. I'm just really comfortable in this here giant couch.

Chuck B Boonsweet - out!

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Chiller Classics present: Bad Dreams (1988)

Welcome my friends to Chiller Classics, where I Charles Bartholomew Boonsweet take you on a trip to the olden, sometimes golden, days of horror.  Hopefully I will introduce you to some fine genre flicks you may not have heard of, either because of how old they are or how obscure, and break down some gory, chill filled, education in Horror History 101. And for those of you who are already well versed in the "good ol' days" of horror, hopefully this will help bring back some nostalgic memories and maybe entice you to see some of these classics again.


I can not pretend this is not a blatant rip off of Nightmare on Elm Street. Basically it's about a women who's dreams are haunted, and this man that haunts her dreams can kill those around her... so ya. Did I mention it also stars Jennifer Rubin, of Nightmare on Elm Street 3 (which came a mere year earlier) fame. That said. I mean, isn't all horror more or less a rip off of something that proceeded it. The thing is, all that matters is that you do it well...

So your dream killer plot goes... during the 70s a young woman/girl is part of a cult that dies in a ritual and explosion suicide. This girl, Cynthia, survives... albeit in a coma... when she wakes 13 years later, she finds the ways of free love gone... and the 80s have arrived. She is part of a psychiatric group, where patients at the hospital with varying problems try to work through there stuff. Now, why is she in this group? Not sure. I guess they didn't want a 70s child sent out into the 80s without adjustments... but is surrounding her with crazy people a solution? Ah whatever. Anyway the cult leader starts showing up in her dreams... or visions, and killing off anyone she makes a connection with, all the while asking her to join him.

Ok. I had no idea what this film was. But through the years I have herd those lines all underground horror fans lobe to hear: "Forgotten classic" "Underappreciated" "Deserves to be recognized" ... so I figured what the hell and dove in.

And Maybe its Maybelline. 
And I think I was over all pretty happy I did. First, the plot is actually way less crazy then I'm making it sound, and dare a say, reasonable explanations do find there way in in the closing act. Once you get by the Elm Street 3 comparisons, I think there is enough here for the film to stand on it's own.

First the writing is not that bad. It's a simple enough plot. Where the film picks up a few points in my mind is the directing. There are some very creepy, and atmospheric shots in this film. Definitely a few steps above the lower budgeted films of the 80s. But then, that leads me to another point... was this film low budget? I mean heck Guns 'N' Roses jam through the closing credits... so there had to be a decent bit of funds behind this.

The makeup is great. Some very cool burn effects, and a few other moments of cool gore. Raining blood from air conditioner ducts anyone? The film does lose a little bit in its "Reveal" portion. Seeming to paint some pretty crazy and fast found conclusions. I don't care what anyone says... I doubt no one... in an entire hospital is incompetent enough to not check medications... But hey... this is a psycho ward in a 80s film... so such thoughts should be tempered.

If you like your horror drenched in mist, and strange goings on... well this is your wet Dream... set what I did there... ya. I'm so clever. Booniacs! Bask in all that is my genius... Sigh. I think wading through all these 80s flicks I am starting to over value my intellect by comparison.


Falling apart here. And loving it. The horror flicks are going to keep rolling in. All October as it is the season.

Movie scale 2.5 out of 5 stars
Horror scale 3 out of 5 stars

the co-ed and the zombie stoner (2014)


So this is another film by THE ASYLUM. The folks behind the steady stream of mainstream ripoffs, and direct to VOD fodder. Things like Transmorphers, I am Omega, Paranormal Entity, Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus... and well you get the idea. Most have been horrible, cheesy, and well, just plain dumb. But that is what they are going for. They know they have a limited budget, limited effects, so they try to make them entertainingly bad. Well, problem is they more often than not - fail.

I ah, submit, imagination is some times superior to a caption... 
A weird things happen about ten minutes into this flick... I started laugh. And I realized I was laughing with the movie, not at it. And as the ridiculousness and boobs splashed across the screen, I found myself... dare I say it, enjoying the hell out of this movie. I mean that title alone THE CO-ED AND THE ZOMBIE STONER ... it's no Sharnado, but the title is a wee bit of genius.

Your story. Super cute nerdy chick (Oh, those sexy loveable nerdy chicks), must find a fraternity boy to date or she gets kicked outta her frat and loses her scholarship. Oh no! But who would date such an attractive girl... with glasses? (gasp!) Well a zombie that maintains his cool by smoking very large amounts of weed... but what if he gets the munchies.... (Ominous music here)

Rigor-Mortis... CIALIS!
Unlike other films in the Asylum Catalogue, this film does not try to be cool, or hip, it actually is. I mean some of the writing is just so profanity filled and creatively so you can't help but giggle... and jiggle. It's just so dang entertaining. The Zombie joins frat montage is just gold. The zombie, Rigo, is played for all its worth by Grant O'connell. And Catherine Annette is just hamming it up in her sexy nerd roll. Between the two of them there is a real chemistry and silliness that just works.

Yes. I am half through this review and still saying, I am enjoying an Asylum flick. Just your front yard for the apocalypse.

Look this is not winning any awards... this is not gunna sway any critics (well, present company excluded). But this is a film that will entertain a certain crowd of horror fans and entertain them well. Much like another B... or maybe C movie that managed to embrace it's awesome cheese, and entertain the heck outta me with non stop blood and attractive members of the opposite sex GIRLS GONE DEAD (REVIEW HERE )... this here is another example. This is one you have your boys over for when the women are out!

I'm not gunna say intoxication is recommended....

Intoxication is recommended.

If watching two zombies, one on a scooter, and the other on a small bike circle an old helpless woman don't make you chuckle well then this is not the movie for you :)

Movie scale 1.5 out of 5 stars
Horror Comedy scale 3.5 out of 5 stars.

Chiller Classics present: Sweet Sixteen (1983)

Welcome my friends to Chiller Classics, where I Charles Bartholomew Boonsweet take you on a trip to the olden, sometimes golden, days of horror.  Hopefully I will introduce you to some fine genre flicks you may not have heard of, either because of how old they are or how obscure, and break down some gory, chill filled, education in Horror History 101. And for those of you who are already well versed in the "good ol' days" of horror, hopefully this will help bring back some nostalgic memories and maybe entice you to see some of these classics again.

Any film in which the main character has their own theme song is something special. If that film happens to be an 80s horror film, well... hello Must watch. And I mean this theme song is something special... and while we are chatting 80s theme songs... I mean really, what is your end goal here? You know what will help the audience really connect with you lead character, a theme song that sings all about her emotions and stuff... while you just pan in on her face. 

Anyway. Still. I stand behind my "Must- Watch" any film who's main character has his/her own theme song. Well, if you're an 80s baby like me.

Your sweet tale goes... Melissa (who is sixteen but looks 25, and is 25 in real life, oh hollywood) is really into flirty, and breaking hearts, and lying, and well being an all around bitch. But the boys can't help but flock to her. Problem is the boys that pay her attention start dying off. Suspicion falling to the near by native tribes. A sheriff, with the help of his two very intelligent kids, will have to piece together in order to save ... Melissa.... Sweet Melissa... (was that part of the song, yup).

Mom. What do you mean you lied about my birthdate? 
So there is a lot to enjoy here. Like any old school horror flick, especially a slasher, you have to take the script into account first. Was it fun. The answer is yes. The characters are all reasonably written. The Sheriff being a standout as a smart guy, that for some reason relies on back and forths with his own kids to piece together the evidence.

Melissa is not a sympathetic character. Well that is until she confess her true self... in a rather awkward scene with the Sheriffs Daughter. It turns out she's just misunderstood... and has no friends. Awww, who knew. SO then everybody is her best friend and they throw her a big party... I mean when any boys around a girl are getting offed... you should Defs throw a party. With lots of boys... and cake.

This is one of those films whose cover art always grabbed in the days of the VHS. Sexy, with a glimmer of violence, classic Box art. It was a real pleasure getting to dive into it all these years later as a fully grown, mostly mature, horror guy. I mean this is not a blurry release. And it is certainly nt a high quality DVD. But it is what it is, a low budget, well put together whodunnit. There are plenty of stabbings and blood leaking... but if you are looking for variety in your kills not the place to come.

Come on... Do I look dangerous? 
The 80s who's the killer twist is pretty good, and hey, you might not even see it coming. It is surprising in this here age of the horror remake, a film about good looking teenagers getting offed has yet to find itself to the remake bin... but then I suppose this is one of the lesser known titles out there. Hey. There's blood, but not by the buckets. This is really more of a decently written little mystery with some sex and blood thrown in... but it worked for me. Plus if that theme song doesn't have you smiling... well a little part of your inner horror loving child may have died.

Movie scale 2.5 out of 5 stars
Horror/slasher scale 3 out of 5 stars

Classic VHS era fun. And if that statement doesn't excite you than you probe don't need to hunt this one down...


Charles B. Boonsweet.