Monday, September 15, 2008

The Diesel is back you hatin bastards

BABYLON A.D. (2008)

Vin is back, screw you all if you hate. Yes he has made some horrible decisions, yes, he is, or might be gay, whatever. He kicks ass good, real good, when given the opportunity, and he is on full display here.
Future is bad, real bad. All post apocalyptic. Vin is a bad man, who is very good at being better than the next bad guy, he gets hired by chubby mobster (oh future, good to know you still have fat Russian mob guys) to transport super hot girl. Along the way Vin takes on every thing from sub operators to crazy rail jumping kids, all after over this hot girl. Plot gets complicated when she begins to show some seriously uneven behavior, and it becomes apparent there are some much more sinister forces at work.
The action is fun, the sets are a great throwback to escape from new york, or even at times blade runner (I only mention it after the words slight, relax). The plot gets really, and I do mean, really @#!$ up by the end. One of the few movies I've walked out of feeling I needed to read the book (Babylon Babies for anyone who remembers how to read... well other than my wicked sic reviews anyway). I caught the ending, but the other 8 peeps i was with were lost... One clue for you, the church bitch is a computer... Take it form there.
The action scenes are a lot of fun, and Vin holds it down macho style, with some great lines. The chick is hot, and well acted actually, kinda surprising, I think she's a model in the real world. Michelle Yeoh always adds some respect to an ensemble cast, she is dine-no-mite. This film did not do well at the box office, who can blame you public folks, Riddick was lack luster, and the pacifier, really? But I assure you, the V-D (lol, yeah I went there) is back in your system you non believers. Kicking ass, well, usually forgetting to take names, but hey, its all good.

There was a lot of hate from some cast members, and even the director claiming the movie company messed around with the editing, and the script... blah, blah, blah... Shut up. the flick was fun. Was it a deep, heart warming, mind bending tale, no, it was an action flick, stop you whining.

movie scale 3 out of 5 stars
Action scale 3.5 out of 5 stars

Strange how unsweet this pile of ka-ka was


Oh trailers, how you can wrap crap turds in gold foil, and make us believe the rush is happening again. Its true, a little preview polish can go a long way. We've all been fooled, and oh boy was I. My friend and I were pumped to see this trailer, it looked real, and dark, and fun, and well, all kinds of good shizzie. Believe nothing. It's none of them.
And the plot is thus...
Young couple has a big issue, leave party, go back to summer home, where they are terrorized by three "Strangers". That's it, simple, and complete. Think it sounds cool, yeah, it does, but it ain't. Movie starts with some really good acting (actually all the way through) and some genuine creepy ness. So, my anticipation of sweetness was rising, i was getting excited, damn my childish hopes. About twenty minutes in, well, things just get really really stupid. Characters you thought were intelligent, start doing the dumbest things, for instance. There is a slow moving truck slamming into your sedan. It is being driven by a small crazy woman in a mask, you are a big guy, trying to protect your girlfriend. DO you a) run to her driver's side door, knock her the hell out, take her car and escape, or B) run like a bitch back into the house to meet certain doom? Well kiddies? Yeah you know what happen, house and retarded doom. At one point I was actually like, screw them, these folks deserve to die. What point you ask, I'm glad you did, the point when hero has evil person in his sights, with a pump action shot gun, from ten feet away, and proceeds to get distracted by her shinning a flashlight at him. Like oh gosh, the light, the light, I better roll back in fear and confusion and get my ass kicked buy the stranger behind me. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.... stupid stupid stupid... and for all its claims of inspired by a true whatever, it sure as hell is one predictable piece of by the numbers crap.
Rent it if you have nothing else, NOTHING ELSE to do. Or maybe for Liv Tyler, maybe... ah, wait, no, its still not enough.

Could have been awesome, so awesome, just ruined by some simpleton using every stupid fall own running trick you've ever seen.

movie scale: 1.5 out of 5 stars
horror scale: 1 out of 5 stars

How bitches wanna get high? Then at least get naked...

SHROOMS (2007)

Seeing as how horror flicks of a decent caliber have been quite hard to come by lately, I do get excited when I see a preview for what looks to be a good time, and I was pumped for Shrooms. Ha, don't think I've heard myself think that since grade 10, but that is a sad tale of hallucinations and socks left for another eve...
College kids, evenly matched, guys to girls (before you get excited, as a horror fan I must say, no boob :( ), arrive in Ireland during Mushroom season (book your tix now kiddies), and set up camp way out in the woods to get mad high, and fornicate. Can you guess what happens? Okay, let's count together and then just say it, and see. 1...2...3... They all get really high and then start disappearing, and get more high, and get brutally killed, all the while trying to figure out if it's real, or just shroom by products. Jinx.
There are some real funny moments in here, script is a lot of fun, plot is just so simple and brainless good times. Even through in some backwoods inbreds, that hey, news flash, aren't cannibals, just decent dumb folks. Now there's something about a evil priest, and dead kids, not really important. It's just drugs and blood, oh, and did i mention a talking cow... Yes, and you thought all they did was moo, and get their giant nipples jacked.... nope. 
Acting is about par, but the story moves so fast you probably won't notice. And trust if you have ever "experimented" with the drugs, well you might even find yourself with mad feelings of sympathy. There is a lot to enjoy as a horror fan, except, no real jumps, at least for us true fans. But your girl (and I do not mean to say there are not real female horror fans, I only make a point assuming you are dating a prep, girlish type who dragged your ass to Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants) will jump a couple of times. You'll probably just smile and laugh a lot. And what more can you ask for. Hey, even the ending doesn't suck... Sorry I'm just always excited about things holding together in the last few minutes... well you know my ending hatred, if you've read some of my other reviews.

movie scale 2.5 out of 5 stars
horror scale 3.5 out of 5 stars

-Lata you shroom munchin demons.

Big red, and back with a ton, a freaking ton of computer effects


Lost in the wake of all that was "The Dark Knight", was a rather under hyped sequel, big red back, and bad, Hellboy 2. So, I'm sad to say, I was expecting more from this one. The first venture was a surprising fun little romp, and with all the mad glory Del Toro has been getting, guess I let my self be ready for awesomeness, and I was... Kinda, satisfied.
So plot for this here sequel,
Big bad guy Prince, from this dark society that co-exists with us, full of mist and magic, decides we are bad for his schwayness, so he kills his Dad, and sets out to reawaken this ancient army of computer animated round robots that are unstoppable (expect that Hellboy and his friends spank them for a bit) and crush all of human folk. As far as what these all mighty warriors look like, think evil "Tick Tock" from The return to Oz (ain't watched it? Boony says do:).
While that's going on, Hellboy and his Flame wielding home girl are having relationship troubles, and the fish guy finds himself drawn to bad Prince's do-gooder sister. Now there are real fun moments in this flick, the scene with Abe, and Hellboy getting drunk is particularly enjoyable. Lots of big showdowns, and giant baddies to get blown up, but.... But, that is part of the problem. This is Del Toro's first really big budget for a flick (85 million I do believe), and well, its too much. There is almost little to no time to enjoy the story, because every scene is overcaked with so much eye candy, my optical sensors were dancing through everything. I mean one cool effect, to one cool looking fight, (insert humor comment), cool effect, emotional moment, cool looking fight, eye bling, eye bling, and done.
That's how it felt. Pan's Labyrinth was awesome, but a large part of it's charm was the make up, the great real deal effects, there's little of that here, and what is here is just crushed by the CGI. This is a fun flick, and there are a few moments where the fun of the original is captured, but a i left unimpressed, satisfied, but not rocked, you know? 

movie scale 2.5 out of 5 stars
super hero scale 2.5 out of 5 stars

And hey, you looking for a Hellboy fix, check out the two animated flicks (Sword of Storms, and Blood and Iron) A lot of fun, and the same people involved, voices and Del Toro. Kinda found myself wishing one of them had made it to the big screen.

-Chuck B.

The Dark Knight

Okay so, first.  I'm back bitches... whahahahahahaha (if you imagine that as an evil and intimidating laugh in your head, that would be appreciated). Summer was nuts, and, well, slightly fuzzy, in a good warm, I made many new friends way... But I am here, and ready to bring you the legit once again, no sugar coating, accept for the cute friends... "It's not you... It's boony".
The whole planet has seen this movie, reviews for it are everywhere, and so I shall officially make this the shortest review you are likely to see...
Brilliant, breath-taking, explosive, hypnotic, epic, poetic, deep, beautiful, heartbreaking...
See this movie. And watch it once every few months like I expect I will find myself doing for the next few years... 
movie scale 4.75 out of five stars
super hero scale 5 out of 5 stars

Before you castrate my lovely self for the 4.75, I have two points, and I will defend them to the death.... 1) The bat bike, cycle, whatever, sucked. Sorry, I grew up on Batman, the bat bike is not two wheels and guns... that just doesn't work for me. Cool, yes. Batman's two wheeled vehicle of bad guy nabbing ness... No. 2) Heath Ledger, the Joker, is so amazing, that your eyes never leave the screen, I mean for two hours you barely breath, and then, then they still have to throw the two face thing at you. Very sweet, God know I love Aaron, but, was it needed not. After the Joker, my hands were up, I was good, take me home, tuck me in. The scene with the Joker and Two Face in the hospital, that should have been the end of Two Face, bring his ass back for the next... Anyway.... Lata you crazy leather wearing punks...

Good to be back

-Charles B. Boonsweet