Identity Thief? More like Time Thief, as in MY time....

IDENTITY THIEF (2013)



Take it from your old pal Ken Bucklesworth; sometimes, reviewing movies isn't all fun and games.  Occasionally we're forced to suffer through the worst kinds of so-called "entertainment."  This is why Boonsweet & Bucklesworth has a CRAP! segment, not only so we can warn you about flicks you need to avoid, but also so we can vent our rage and feel a little better for it.  While this isn't a CRAP! review, for reasons I'll get into soon, this is going to be a venting experience anyway.  Let's get into my thought for Identity Thief.

Sandy Patterson has a decent life.  He has a wife and kids, a decent sized house, and a job with a newly formed company which nets him a huge start-up bonus.  Things seem to be perfect, until (of course) his identity gets stolen by Diana, a professional scammer in Florida.  In short time, his accounts are dried up, hid credit suffering, and a warrant is out for his arrest due to Diana getting arrested for assault and not showing up for her trial.  Despite clearing things up with Denver police, Sandy is still in danger of losing his new job because of his sudden bad credit/criminal record. 

That's when Sandy gets an idea.  Diana has to get arrested under local Florida law first, in which there is still about a year wait for Sandy to get his shot at redemption in court.  So Sandy decides to go to Florida and convince Diana to return to Denver and explain things to his boss in order to save his career.  What Sandy doesn't plan to tell her is that police will be listening in on the confession, thereby getting her arrested and subject to Denver law.  But from their first meeting, it's clear that this mission won't be as easy as expected, as Sandy has to contend not only with Diana's inherent skills at escaping capture, but staying clear of an assassin duo sent to kill her, and a bounty hunter looking to capture her.




Like throat punches? That's good, because you'll see it over, and over, and over....

 This movie as a comedy is TERRIBLE!!  It wasn't until the 40 minute mark where I so much as snickered for the first time.  I never outright laughed at anything done or said, and I could count on one hand the times I chuckled period.  And as this movie is two hours long, that is unacceptable.  I actually had to stop watching at approximately the one hour mark, just because I couldn't handle how utterly boring and dumb this movie was.  There must have been something they could have done to cut down the running time.  This is a situation where a Special Edition would actually be a cut version of the movie.  

The character of Diana has ZERO redeeming qualities about her.  She ruins peoples lives and only give a shit about herself.  Despite this, the movie tries over and over to make me like her.  She repeatedly physically and verbally assaults Sandy during their time together, and the first time Sandy fires off some insults back at her, she gets this sad pouty face and walks away.  Am I supposed to feel sorry for her at this point?  Well sorry, she got only a fraction of what she deserved at that point.  Eventually, as you can easily predict, Sandy and Diana start to get along with each other, and during the last third of the movie Diana is less of a total bitch than she was earlier.  But by that point (much earlier actually) I stopped caring.  She deserved everything that happens to her in this movie.  Though ultimately I preferred her ultimate fate to be brought back to Denver instead of killed, as I was rooting for Sandy to succeed.

Now you may be asking yourselves, "If Identity Thief is so horrible, why isn't this a CRAP! review?"  Well, the answer is simple; this was actually a very well acted movie.  Like I just said, Jason Bateman's performance as Sandy was good enough that I rooted for him to get his life back to normal.  As well, even though I HATED the character of Sandy, Melissa McCarthy did a fantastic job of making me hate her.  And not only was she the main source of my chuckles with some of her line deliveries, she is quite a capable physical actress, doing most of her own stunts. 

John Doggett's life has been in a downward spiral since leaving the FBI.

If there's one thing (among many) this movie needed, it was more Robert Patrick.  Whether it's something awesome like Terminator 2, or something Awesomely horrible like Double Dragon, Patrick is consistently on his game.  And Identity Thief really should have given him more screen time.  His role as the bounty hunter Skiptracer was my favorite in the whole thing, but he only had a few scenes, which was a damn shame.  In fact, no disrespect to T.I and Genesis Rodriguez intended, as they also did a good job as the assassins looking to kill Diana, but I would have preferred Skiptracer be the only one chasing Diana.  It would have cut the running time a little, and it would have been more Robert Patrick dammit!!

Well, I certainly feel better after that rant.  If you haven't seen Identity Thief, don't.  It's two hours of an unfunny comedy that practically orders you to care about an unlikeable character.  And no amount of great acting was able to save it.  There you have it. 

Movie Rating: 2 out of 5 stars
Comedy Rating: 1 out of 5 stars

-I'm Ken Bucklesworth, and that's the truth.

@KenBucklesworth, @BoonsBuckles