Wednesday, December 25, 2013

CHRISTMAS SPECIAL! Green, and red, and dead all over.


Do you carry the holiday cheer in your hearts all year round? I do. So when I hear of an uber violent foreign film with a christmas touch... game on!

So, this movie is from Finland. Don't know much about Finland... its cold. And well, the opening little bit of this film is pretty damn confusing. Also you may ask yourself why does this child not wear pants? I mean, he'll catch his death of cold... (Ya I just had a christmas dinner so Grandma speak is in my head).

Your yultide plot: Father and Son (not the closest since the death of the Mom/Wife) exist in a small town beside a big mountain. A group of diggers are looking for something of value in the mountain. The young boy - through hours of dedication and a healthy fear of Santa Claus - knows that within the mountain lurks the frozen remains of the demon Santa. Sadly, he is powerless to prevent the awakening, and christmas chaos ensues.

So, did we get hold of Bo Beep yet? 
First this movie is played pretty straight. Or perhaps I am just missing Finnish humour... Ya, it could be that. That said, it's not a bad thing. I mean they actually go for the real deal here. If this film had been made in say Britain, the laughs, and black humour would have been dripping off every scene. Here, they know the story is ridiculous, and thats enough, go for broke with it. Sell it hard.

I was in when the little boy hands a demonic "ancient" picture of a demon Santa Claus to his friend and says "The real Santa Claus was totally different. The coca cola one is just a hoax".

But well, it never really goes anywhere. I mean with the intensity of the film, the R rating, the building to something feeling boy howdy are you ready for some good ol' fashion Santa violence. Only it never really comes. It fact this film is pretty much a Pg-13 family type adventure if you eliminate the old man nudity (full nudity I may add). Heck this probably was a kids film in Finland.

I stand here for Mika, the choreographer. 
And that's a problem. Because if this movie had just went for it... balls to the wall terror, and violence, we may have had a new contender to the holiday horror throne. As it is, it just starts, hangs around, and ends. I mean we don't even get any Santa Claus violence. We never actually get to see the demon Santa loosed.

Just a bunch of twisted old men that like to throw pick axes. Who apparently were buried with him? Or did they just show up from the North Pole? Not sure. But man was I let down. I mean really, there is hardly any action here... at all. There is build up. Some amazing directing (this film is beautifully shot), but no bloody climax!

Where are the flying limbs? Bloodshed? Elven violence that we were promised by the enticing opening few minutes? Nowhere to be found. Just a story about a strange boy that ends up proving his worth to everyone when his crazy theory on a Demon Claus comes true. Yup, really this is a boy finds himself tale. Like Monster Squad, or the Goonies, only with a demon Santa and naked retirees.

A real bummer with the fun that seemed to be on it's way...

There is definitely a cult status possibility what with the quality of the production and completely insane ending, but outside of that I don't see this film getting too much attention. I will have no need to watch it again... not even on the days leading up to everyones fav holiday... well the cool ones anyone...

Movie scale 2.5 out 5 stars
Holiday Horror scale 2 out 5 stars

There is better, cheesier, and just plain funner holiday horror out there! For instance the insanity of Goldberg in SANTA"S SLAY. Love that, and clamation.... that is gold Booniacs, gold. My Christmas gift to all! I hopes Santa hooked all you worthy and mostly nice Booniacs and Buckleheads up! Accept for Greenberg, hate that guy...




Monday, December 23, 2013

Alien uprising... in my pants!

ALIEN UPRISING (2012, 2013 over here)

I wanted to like this movie.
I mean I really wanted to. An indie british film version of Independence Day, with a small role from JCVD himself...
Long live the Damme (you've all seen the leg split video - yes you have!)
However, very quickly I realized.... bad. There would only be bad. The biggest problem with this film.... well maybe you're thinking;
Is it the writing?
Well, yes, it's bad, but there a few moments that generated a giggle, so- no, try again.
Is it the acting Boony?
No, there are a few moments of decent acting in there, including the aforementioned Jean Claude van Damme.
Is it the effects?
I mean I am watching a low budget british film... If I spent too much time bitching about the CGI I'm wasting my time.
It is one thing. One thing, above all others: The directing. The directing is so horrible I don't even have words... well scratch that I have words... I mean I'm Chuck Freaking Boonsweet. But if ever a director came close to removing my clever wit from it's ability to respond in the written word, well, this came close.
DI-REC-TORS! Your public at large has expressed a growing dislike/hate with shaky cam. Why.... why do you continue to use it? And this isn't even normal shaking came. This is we fed our camera guy 18 1/2 red bulls, had him spin in circles for 6 minutes. Let him fall down and vomit... and then handed him a camera. Oh and what about the scenes that aren't shaky camera... well most of them are cameras that for some reason tilt. Often leaving the tops of heads cut off, or deciding to move slowly throw a crowd.
Just... the worst I've seen in a very long time...

Say hello to my... No screw it. No point. But u still Rock JCVD!
You know... I got distracted by rant I haven't even gotten into the plot... My bad.
Ok, so let it be known... all of this plot takes about 30 minutes to get into. Why? No reason, I guess all the banter between friends and people who have sex was suppose to make us care about them... What is it them kids say? Epic Fail.
So aliens show up over a town in the UK. A group of friends try to survive the chaos. Um, I think That's it.

You may be wondering (if you are a true Booniac - and really who isn't) why this film isn't a CRAP segment. Well, two reasons... and they barely... barely lifted it out from CRAP level.

Reason #1 - The fight. There is a fight between an officer and the main dude that is simply awesome. Bloody, vicious, and so out of place in the film you will wonder what happen. There's even some cool Guy Richie slow mo going on.
Reason #2 - JCVD. I cant hate him. I love the guy, and he literally towers over the rest of the amateurs in this film. Oh but don't get too hopeful... he don't hang around long....

So you've survived the painful 101 minutes of this film... you're thinking with that plot summary it can't possibly be too complex?

WRONG. Hows this. There's pieces of tech from the area 51 crash that the aliens want... there may be more aliens... they may all look like the same 4 people... um... sometimes they attack each other for no reason. And, they may have taken over the world at the end... yup. Not sure.

So, a last thought. Just a couple of things that bugged me... Ya i know right - More things? Yes. More freaking things. The power gets knocked out.... everywhere. So they have to use candles. So they light a bunch... and then proceed to clearly shoot in a house where all the lights are turned on lol... yup. They somehow missed that. Then. All the watches stop at 12:36... only when the one character is bed later her watch says another time. Oh, and a woman walks down to a kitchen to get water... its night. The lights are out, she has a candle... then 30 secs later they run outside and its dawn.


And. Dammit. There is a lot of "and" in here. Whatevs. I have BADD (Blog attention deficit disorder). The whole handling of Van Damme's character goes from... OMG! He might save this film to "Wait, what the F just happen to the only reason to watch this film?" Ohhhh... you vaporized him... for no reason... at all. It was not cool! Not cool!


movie scale 1.5 out of 5 stars
sci-fi fi scale 2 out of 5 stars (1 point of that is for JCVD... just saying)

That is all folks.
I had to watch John Carpenter's STARMAN after this just to wash the shite scifi taste out... :)

- Chuck B. Boonsweet.

Sunday, December 22, 2013

Hugh Jackman is winning an Oscar.


So I know the future and stuff... have I not mentioned this? Well, you should see how polished my crystal balls are. Like... mirrors. So I tell you here and now, if Hugh "Call me Wolverine" Jackman does not win the Oscar for this film I will be shocked. Yes. I know there are always a multitude of smaller films, with brilliant performances from actors we've never heard of, or once did, but have since forgotten. But... ya. It's going to Hugh.

Alright. Dammit. A paragraph in and I'm already all over the damn place. Let's settle this bitch down yo.

Your plot: One day, two young girls disappear. A strange young man who drives an olden style RV is accused of the kidnapping... but is let off. A Father of one of the girls is obsessed with the young man, convinced he knows where his daughter is. While he goes about his dark path to uncovering the truth, a young Detective Donnie Dar - Wait I mean Jake Gyllenhaal, is trying to put together strange pieces of the puzzle himself. All the while... the time for these two girls is running out...

Detective Code 1 : Overuse of Hair gel leads to clue uncovering
So. Grab the edge of your couch/chair/comfypillow is suspense lately? In unbearable periods of stress, and uncertainty? Well, if you haven't, and you've been missing it... I give you PRISONERS. I mean we are talking out of this world build, and explosions of tension here. The director, a Denis Villeneuve, is poised to take home a golden statue from his own work here. The build up from serene normality to the depths of darkness is amazing. I remember staring at my screen trying to understand why the man would leave his camera on a front yard tree for a minute of screen time, and realized thats the point... everything is slow. Is normal. Is perfectly neighbourly.

Then, piece by piece, he and the screenwriter rape your comfort levels. It is hard to fathom that the man that wrote CONTRABAND wrote this. I mean contraband was as plain, and uninspired, as a drug film could be. I mean by the numbers does even cover it, and yet, for his next film Aaron Guzikowski, dials up one of the most original and intense pieces of adult mystery fiction ever created for the screen.

Comparison - the only thing that I can think of, and that others have highlighted, the film SEVEN. There was a well written, emotional dark, riveting piece of R rated cinema. The kind that left you excited, and drained all at the same time. And, well, I may suggest this film surpasses it on some levels. Not all, but, as far as building the point to a successful, and crowd rocking ending... I have to give an edge to PRISONERS. As far as the rest... too close to call...

 Mmmm... anyone else noticing the couch and sweater match? lol
But. BUT... this is a superbly acted film. Forget my affection for Hugh Jackman's leading role. Jake is just as good as the young and brilliant detective putting the pieces into place. Challenging the audience to beat him to his conclusion... then there is Maria Bello as a grieving mother. Terrence Howard as a best friend, and similarly devastated father. A crazy awesome performance by Paul Dano (seriously this young man is racking up an impressive catalogue)... The supporting cast is excellent. No role goes without purpose, and execution.

Listen, there are thrillers, and then there are the rare experiences that capture lightening in a bottle... or attract fire to the screen, however you wanna look at it. And this is one of them. Writing, acting, directing, and yes... a worthy ending. All of it combining for an experience worth anyones time. I know quite a few people that have seen this film; from good friends, to family, this film comes up and bam! its a firestorm of water cooler chatter.

Is it the best in it's genre? No. But it is the finest to come along in a very, very, long time. One seriously twisted, and complex, journey to the dark side.

Oh, and did I mention Hugh is going to win the Oscar? hahaha... his work here... one scene in particular, a small surrender of will nearing the finale... watch his body. Forget the face, the words, look at how his entire body is committed to the emotion... that's rare folks. He has the physicality to pull it off, and the talent to understand that... We have come a long way from Paperback Hero...

Movie scale 4 out of 5 stars
Thriller scale 4 out of 5 stars

A truly engrossing experience. And at almost 3 hours, I could not believe how fast it seems to go by...

- Chuck B Boonsweet.


Monday, December 16, 2013

The Lil' Injin that could


Wow, did this flick get hated on. I mean all of you guys float through this here worldwide internet. Peeps tore up the huge budget (200 million I believe) Johnny Depp starring flick. Now I have a theory, and I have backed it up on a few occasions. Not saying this is the best example, but I'm gunna share it here anyway -

After a certain level of success, hollywood, and the universe, decides to hate your bloody guts.

Yup that's my theory. The best example of this is with Kevin Costner. The man made field of dreams - Huge success, Dances with Wolves - Huge success, then a big budget THE POSTMAN and the world just bashed it into the ground. What was a half decent, fun, action romp was sent to audience oblivion. So here we have the whole crew from the Pirates of the carribbean flicks. Same director (Gore Verbinski), producer (The internet sensation himself - Jerry Bruckheimer), and star Johnny Depp. Doing another big budget summer movie... So hate... Was pretty much guaranteed... I think the internet hate collectively decided to banish this film into oblivion before it even hit a screen... question is, is it warranted?

The final stare contest will determine who gets the oats.
The plot: A man in the early part of wild west in the states of America, goes home to find his town in a power struggle over trains, and silver. After having everything taken from him, including his life (more or less), he returns in a leather mask, with a entertaining and strange indian (Depp) by his side. Together they will find the truth behind a band of outlaws, and perhaps, save the west from itself.

This is, in case you didn't know, based on the insanely popular show of the same name from the early/late 50s... 60s... well somewhere in there. Point is, no one really cares about the old show, so why make a movie? Cause you have the money too. Does anyone really love the show enough to tear up all the differences in the plot... (for instance making the stoic indian friend - Tonto, insane, and basically Johnny Depp channelling his Captain Jack Sparrow character)... No I don't think so. And if there are they probably didn't watch the original anyway, just a review pointing out all the differences.

Well den, what about this movie on it's own? Is it a great movie? No. Is it a good movie... maybe.

I will word it like this. The opening 30 minutes with the train... and the last 30 minutes with two trains... are awesome. Some of the funnest, crazziest, popcorn crunchiest, entertainment on screen - period. The problem is the hour and a half of filler in between. Yup, its 2 hours and 30 minutes long, and really for no reason.

Yo, Tonto, I think I'm a-head of you. Get it? What no smile?
There is this whole plot device with Tonto all old, and having a conversation with a young boy... in I think modern day.... ish. Of course the boy is hallucinating on bad popcorn or something, whatever. Point it, it serves no purpose whatsoever. Why is it there? Because some idiot said - Hey, we need a little more comic relief, and Depp screen time. It just distracts from the plot and is honestly a little annoying. Everything else in between the train chaos is well... shit. I mean everyone is really trying here...

Ruth Wilson (from one of my all time fav shows - Luther) is a great actress, but really has nothing to do here. I mean nothing. I don't even think they give her 20 seconds of screen time to mourn her husband... right. Right... because she's actually the romantic interest for most of the men in the film...

Armie Hammer as the title character just seems lost in the material until the action kicks in. Not his fault, he's written as in incompetent priss, when he is suppose to be all superheroic and stuff. And ya its about building him up to that, but by the time they get there... two hours have passed! William Fichtner is great as over the top bad guy. Although, by the half way point you will be looking at the screen going... Seriously you're letting the guy that ate your brother's heart walk... again!? Why would you do that you idiot!!!! Oh, right, to fill up two hours. So ya, a great bad guy gets ridiculously boring by the end, then eclipsed by the much more interesting captain of the soldiers.

And what about the Johnny Depp TONTO. Hmmmm well, I thought he did a good job playing it as he did. It's fun, and crazy, and interesting... the only thing interesting about the middle hour and a half. Though it is worth noting, it is basically Jack Sparrow with a slightly slowly speech pattern. Which I'm ok with.

Again the problem is, Armie is so incompetent, comically so, that Tonto has no straight man to play off.  The other thing about the indian sidekick is that after a fun intro to his people... they more or less just slaughter all of them. Every indian of his tribe massacred.... and they just move right passed it. No - wow we just killed an ENTIRE FREAKING TRIBE in like 34 seconds. No - how are you Tonto? Do you need to sit down. Two and a half hour movie and they manage to spend no time on the one thing they probably should've.


And this is the but. The first half, and last half hour are that damn good. When the Lone Ranger theme kicks in, and he's riding his horse across rough tops, chasing a train... man, it just feels sooooo good. I couldn't help but think - WHERE WAS THIS WHEN I WAS LISTENING TO POINTLESS BANTER? Where was this when Johnny D was screen hogging. Anyway. It's awesome. Creative and let's face it... director Gore is a genius at capturing huge scale CGI/Realworld action scenes. He may have topped anything he did in Pirates here. It's a blast.

The whole subplot with a love interest... really, I guess it needed to be there. Though... and this is a big one, why the hell did everyone in the movie need to find out who the Lone Ranger was? I mean, maybe one bad guy... or the girl (though I always support a secret identity), but everyone... that was kind of pointless, and took away from some of his heroic doings near the end.

Three hour flick... it's a lot of time to invest, but overall I think it's worth it. The action scenes are amazing. There are writing issues sure, and yes, it's a big budget flick that perhaps didn't need to exist... but hey, I was entertained completely for 60 minutes that more than I can say for quite a few movies... In summary. This movie will not win awards, hell its not even great. Its just a decent waste of time... with explosions and stuff.

Movie scale 2.5 out of 5 stars
Action movie scale 3 out of 5 stars.

That damn theme is gunna be stuck in my head ALL WEEK. Dammit.

- Charles Boonsweet

Monday, December 9, 2013

Stalled (2013)


Man, there are few things I love more in my favourite genre than a small indie horror zombie flick proving to be a few dentures above the rest.

Tagline "When there's no restroom in hell, the dead shall walk the earth" Hahaha gold.

Hello Booniacs, it is I your giggle inducing, so bad you - shutyamouth, reviewer, mentor, all around fantastic hombre - Chuck B. Boonsweet. So here we have it, the increasing rare, no budget horror flick, with a little heart, a lotta gore, a couple boobs... and well, just a lot of fun.

So if you were to look this film up on the almighty the plot summary is as follows: "A Janitor gets trapped in a women's restroom and encounters an all out attack by a zombie horde". There is surprisingly more than a little bit to it.

Washrooms are for experiencing new and exciting things
First that is the plot, well, most of it. But what makes this film a really good time is the writing. As with any film, on any budget. The writing is key. I had just watched MACHETE KILLS before this flick, and while watching STALLED all I could think is No stars, no money, and still 124 % awesomer than Rodriguez tried so very hard to be. Script is the most important thing, second is directing, and boy do these crazy blood soaked cinema loving small time filmmakers get their moneys worth.

All practical. Yup. Face eating. Body tearing. Toilet bowl head smashing, made by hand, makeup. Ya, all your horror/zombie fans just sat up and started paying attention didn't you. Ya you did. They use the simplicity of the plot to allow for some great creativity. A girl ends up in a far stall, and they can't see each other so the guy draws a face on the wall of his stall, while he talks with her the camera often drifts to this cartoon marker face. A small silly effect that has a surprising sadness, and realness to it. You get invested in her character even though she's a voice and a stall scribble.

Oh, you will be mine donut. You will be mine.
Some of the best creativity has to be launching severed fingers at an alarm box by way of a Bra-slingshot... Ya, let that visual sink in.

There's some very well crafted plot details in the mix. Such as why does this guy's toolbox have no tools, and a few thousand in cash inside? Who is this girl in the other stall, is she real? Will he get out? Can a screw driver hold a zombie head to a stall door? Are their really zombie rats?

Bottomline I think for most fans of smalltime big fun zombie adventures this is right up your alley. Ya its a low budget venture, but the payoff is pretty damn fun. Of course even indie movies have to do the "Screw the hero over" ending nowadays, and I can't just hype the flick up and not mention my disappointment at the final few minutes. It's as if all filmmakers have congregated and decided, "Hey let's never just let a movie end with the audience cheering" What kinda punk B.S. is that? Very frustrating and perhaps no more than in the horror genre.

You all know what I'm talking about. It's getting to the point you should just turn off a film with about a minute and a half left. Seriously. Arg.

But hey, everyone's doing it so maybe I shouldn't hate too much right? The film has it's heart in the right place. Body parts in the right place, and is a damn fine way to pass 84 minutes. I laughed, I cheered, and I nodded in bloodletting approval.

Movie scale 2.5 out of 5 stars
Horror/zombie scale 3.5 out of 5 stars

There have been a few brighter spots on the indie scene hopefully this continues. Although anyone see the trailer for that MIME killer flick? Ya a slasher with invisible weapons. That one... may take us back a couple hahaha.

Also extra Boon points for title recognition  - Ace for Life!

Till Next punks!


Sunday, December 1, 2013

CRAP! (Dec '13)

CRAP! Some times movies are just so bad that by the end your palm is bruised from forehead impact, and your brain has liquified and began to drip, slowly, from your ears. So I Charles. B. Boonsweet have decided to stand up, and take the film loving bullet for you. I give you CRAP! A segment devoted to the silliest, worst, not worth time, films I come across. Sometimes new, sometimes old... but always, always... RANT inducing and remote tossing. The rules of my normal reviews do not apply (there is no film love here!). There may be spoilers, random rage, and hell... I might even invite the filmmakers to a parking lot throw down... we'll see... Enjoy Booniacs!!

DRACULA (2013)

So Booniacs, and Buckleheads it's time for another exciting episode of the rant-tastic, rage-hard, bitch the likes of which few have bitched before... Well, basically, we stumble across a film so bad that it does not require our usual restraint, and respect. A film so bad we reach outside our rules (No major spoilers) and throw it out there... in hopes that you will heed our warnings, and voyage not into the entertainment abyss we have just witnessed...

It's a lot of fun.

For the month of December, in the 13th year of this new Millineum I bring you Dario Argento's Dracula. Why is it Dario's Argento's Dracula, well because decades ago Mr. Argento was one of the greatest, and most fantastic horror (or film for that matter) directors to ever grace the small foldy chair on set. The master behind Deep Red, Tenebre, Suspiria, Phenomena, and damn it the list goes on. But like many a directorial Genius he did not fade into the sunset... no he stayed around to do his best to destroy his legacy...

So plot. If you freaking want one. Dracula is a vampire, all powerful. He can transform into wolves, and bats, and bugs, and wait... was that a giant Praying Mantis? Yes it was. Yes... it... was. He can also seduce, memory wipe, hypnotize, and move objects with his mind. So you know, wow, no one could ever stand a chance against the guy really. Anyway, your shit plot continues... Man shows up to help Dracula with something. Dracula sucks his blood. His fiance shows up looking for him, then Dracula decides to suck her blood... but wait... Van Helsing shows up to stop him!

Prop guy: Ran out of fake blood. Found Koolaid pack... 

Ta-Da. The end. You know what, screw it, I could probably wrap this bitch up right there... but no... No i will not... FOR I MUST RANT!

First this film has some of the worst CGI ever. I mean we are talking below Syfy channel here. The wolf transformation is just shameful. There is also a scene where Dracula bitch slaps his large breasted vampire minion across a room... and wait for it - the body that slides across the room is CGI!? Why? I have no freaking idea. Is it that hard to drag someone across the floor? Make it look like they were thrown? I mean they did it in Paranormal Activity and that movie cost like 2.50 $. Le sigh.

There is also a CGI scene later when Dracula shows up as a swarm of bugs. This... this one probably bothered me more than any other effect because, I mean, Dario Argento made Phenomena like 30 years ago... about a girl that controls bugs, and had an entire house swarmed by flies (in a film with a smaller budget!)... and he some how decided to go with absolutely shit "I designed this on a freaking Ipad" effects. What the F is going on Dario? Have you simply forgot everything you ever learned, or did over the years?

People are always leaving their gum in the damndest places. 

Next up... oh lets bitch about music. Sure why not. I mean how often is the music so bad that you get to seriously bitch about it... You ever watched a comedy halloween special on the Disney channel, and the music is all super over the top, you know, for laughs. Well, apparently they sampled the soundtrack for this film. I do not joke. It is that bad. I mean this is a director that changed the idea of what a horror soundtrack could be (The band GOBLIN anyone?) again inexcusable. Then, as if to rub it in your face... he throws in a killer metal song at the end... as the credits rolled all I could think was - Seriously?! Where was this for the whole film.

Am i done? (dramatic pause...) NO I AIN'T DONE. But aside from the cheesy made for TV directing. But aside the horrible acting, writing, lighting (serious, she has one candle, and no electricity how is her whole room lit up?), costumes... I may have been able to let all that slide (No that's a lie) if not for the horrible switch at the end. Dracula goes from - All bad ass, and ready to eat everyone. I mean the guy killed a dude as a Mantis! A freaking mantis. Bastard goes hard. From that to - I'm actually just love starved and want you because you remind me of my true love.

Say Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?

Blah, blah. Wait... was this movie suppose to be a comedy? Maybe thats it. I mean anyone who braves this Craptastic voyage... because you obviously love to torture the thinky parts of your brain... watch the part with the big boobed vampire getting staked, and tell me it's not a comedy.

Then the end makes no rational sense: Dracula kills an entire room of people in about 7 seconds earlier in the film. Blood flying everywhere. Even makes a guy shoot himself. But at the end he decides to beat on Van Helsing (the always watchable Rutger Hauger) for 1-2 minutes. Nothing much. Just repeatedly punching him in the face. Ya, turns out, the mantis was just a set up for Dracula's real power... the right cross. Then his love suddenly comes to and points a gun at him.

Do think Dracula;
a) Uses his powers of mind control to tell her to drop the gun
b) Uses his ability to move objects to slap the gun out of her hand
c) Moves super fast, and takes the gun from her
d) Cries like a bitch, reaches out for her begging for her love, and gets his ass shot, and dies...

You guess d)? Ya. Its friggin' D.

An absolute craptacular adventure, from one of the most impactful directors of all time. According to IMDB this movie made 3,085$ opening weekend. Ya. That's a true story. Not saying thats the ultimate fact... but I mean 3000$ hahaha

Thats just embarassing. Oh and Dario's daughter shows up to show her boobs. Thats something I guess. Imagine that call. "Hey honey its Daddy. You mind getting naked for another of my films. I really need something to sell people on this 3D thing"

Oh ya. Its in 3D.

And the crowd goes... actually they go nothing cause the theatre is freaking empty.

movie scale 1.5 out 5 stars
Horror scale 1 out of 5 stars

Dario. Man. This guy is a legend. This Crap! review despite the near orgasmic ranting... hurt me in the horror hallways of my heart...

-Chuck B.