Thursday, February 19, 2015

Jupiter Ascending (2015)

A whole lotta exploding things and shirtless Channing...

Yes the Wachowski Brothers (now Brother and Sister)... so Wachowski Siblings made the matrix... but if we are being honest... they haven't had a hit since. Though I think the film CLOUD ATLAS was a wonder bit of filmmaking, still too far out there for the general public to connect with.

Listen before I get into exactly why this movie has failed, and why Hollywood needs to read this review...

You Plot: A average Janitor (who just happens to be the ridiculously hot Mila Kunis) finds out she is the reincarnation of the Queen of the Universe thanks to a bounty hunter (played by the often Shirtless Channing Tatum)... Together they will you know pretend they are not in love, then be in love, then blow a lot of stuff up to eventually be together and save the universe.

Screw it thats all you need so sayeth the Boonsweet!

Note to Hollywood: Throwing 200 million dollars at a movie is a fine idea. But, there are rules. First, you actually need a story, you know a script that is worth 200$ million dollars. 2. If you don't find a script worthy of that money well then you have a bomb. And you have just lost when you factor in the rather large advertising campaign probably close to 150 million dollars. Then you will cry about how no one buys movies, and goes to the movies, and this is why your company loses money. COME ONNNNNNN! I mean seriously.

Carpool lane meet Skyskate lane... (yeah, thats all I got)

This movie is quite honestly just action. And some of it, if not all of it, even the scenes when the Wachowskis clearly rip them selves off (see the scene of a ship flying into the approaching horde and think Matrix Revolutions), is fun to watch. But, that is all there is. The plot is so thin and they move along at such a pace that you can almost here hollywood in the background screaming - MORE ACTION! MORE SHIRT OFF!

I feel bad because I honestly believe the W. Siblings had more in mind here. I actually wanted to see the characters develop. Channing's flying boots are really cool, and make for some amazing 3D action... but two hours of that and eventually you are wondering... Why does no one else have this freaking boots because apparently that and one Star Wars Phantom Menace Jar Jar shield and you are invincible. 

I wanted plot. There I said it. There is a great scene where they come to this farmhouse and the bees begin to follow Mila's character around to which Channing's friend starts into a thing on how bees have been engineered to recognize royalty. Fine. Then they are finally at the finding things out stage... you know how when the heroes have a moment to collect themselves and patch up wounds... the "Fish out of water" character, Mila, asks questions and finds things out.

Apparently I'm half werewolf, but no, we won't get into that... at all, in this movie

Nope. Aliens show up and a battle happens.

Or how about the age old best friend betrays the good guys (but has a reason that will allow him to be good again when it counts)... A guy walks in a room and bad guys show up and he says "Sorry..." then bam! Scene done... and back to the action.

The Dune like subplot about warring factions and power for control of the universe that involves Human Bodies (instead of the Spice) being needed for the immortality of the alien Races that can afford it is a cool idea... but they skip through pretty much everything other than a "A 100 human bodies make up this vile", and then get to more explosions.

Listen the action is cool, but its so non stop that it all just blends together. And All I remember thinking at the end of the movie was... These people are all way prettier than me....

But hey, space, 3D, lots of Boom... fun was had. But my god, 200 million! hahaha This film coulda cost 50 Million.... used model ships for the space battles, horribly cut wire work for the fly boots... and still had Channing Tatums breasts, and my 12 $ and honestly... I probably woulda had more fun. Oh and really I don't have time for the lame... lammmmmmmme.... humour they try to squeeze into this thing to make it FUN. Newsflash its not funny if your characters have had zero time to connect to the audience.

I really, really, hope the Wachowski Brothers... Siblings... are not solely responsible for this, cause if they are... I think they're career is officially no longer of any interest.

Movie scale 2 out of 5 stars
Action scale 2.5 out of 5 stars

Lots of CGI 3D cool, and not much else. Even if you try your best just to eat the popcorn, your brain will still bleed...

- Chuck Boonsweet